the Line in the sand and the Narrow mountain trail

Wow, was that fast.
I don't know what you may believe in, but I am a Christain, and the happenings of today merely confirm that there is a God and He does have a vested interest in my health and well-being. I asked last Sunday for people at my church to pray for me, as I had no job. To give you an idea, I have put out only one resume this year - just one, before I left for my trip to India. And today I got two - yes two- interviews out of it and one job offer. That job will be up north for three months starting the end of May. In addition, I got offered about a week's worth of Data entry by a member of our church. Call it luck, call it fate - I call it blessing. There's just been too many coincedences in my life to chalk it up to an uncaring force - someone up there (out there?) is looking after me. And seeing as it happens most often after praying to God and acknowledging Jesus as Messiah, I am left at the conclusion that it is most likely Him who is looking out for me. I also conclude that a god who is strong enough and kind enough to care about me and keep other powers at bay is more worthy of my allegiance than any other thing or person out there, my own wants and desires included.

In addition to there being a God, and Him caring about me (and the plight of others, for that matter) , I believe that there is a god, spirit or angel who hates me and wishes me dead. I know this because he has made several attempts on my life. I was nearly aborted by accident as a child (yep, almost never got here), choked on a hot dog at the age of six for probably close to an hour (I remeber being carried upside down-still choking- to the main office by my teachers. It also apparently made the valedictoy speech at the school) and nearly comitted suicide at the age of 14 after suffering emotional abuse and neglect from my parents, teachers and peers at school (for those of you in teaching, never, ever, turn a blind eye to what kids are doing to another student - you are in authority and they look to you to set the precedent). I never fit in - not even among those who didn't fit in. Kids hated and tried to get at me in any way they could - name calling, mean acts, silent treatment, exclusion or just simply silence out of fear. I only went to university because it fit with my goal - to get out of the hell of my parents' house and town (ironically, I have returned - but it has changed. we both have). There wasn't a goal beyond graduation - I explained that earlier. Yes, there has been someone who wanted me to quit before now - who wanted me to quit a long time ago. But - and this is important - he hasn't succeeded yet. This indicates that the one against me is not as powerful as the One who is for me.

This is what I believe - not because I learnt it in Sunday School, not because I have been "indoctrinated" by the church, not because it's what my parents believe (my parents would have pushed me to cynicism thorugh their hypocrasy) - it is what I have seen operating in my life and what I can draw from my observations.

Finishing what I started

I just spackled the myriad holes in the east wall of my bedroom shut after prepping the walls earlier today. tomorrow, once the compound has dried, I'll sand the wall smooth, Friday I plan to prime and Saturday put the top coat on. Seventeen years in this house, and only a handful of the rooms got painted. I'm so accustomed to living in unfinished conditions, so used to unfulfilled promises, dashed hopes and dreams. My dream was to finish university and die somehow. Oh, I entertained marriage as a possible alternative, but I never hung much hope on it - the last guy who ever showed serious interest was grade 9. Dead by the age of 25 - great, isn't it? I wonder how those who knew me at high school would think of it. Quite frankly, I'm still kinda entertaining the idea - I have an idea of what I would like to do with my life, but I'm not altogether sure how to pull it off. Wasn't exactly raised with self sufficiency in mind (I have come to the conclusion that few people are) - mom and dad were too self-absorbed to notice me unless I screamed for thier attention.

So here I am, $24 000 in debt to the bank, another $20 000 owed to my parents (I am lucky to have pulled off with only that much) and a desire to go back to school, but not sure where I want to go, and would like to go back to work in the lab, but I'm not sure where or how . I need a map. Or at least a guide. My dad is urging me to leave home - if you can call a mouldy, dirty, unfinished, messy house home. But I am reluctant to leave just yet. Hence the spackle...

I started painting my walls around Christmas time - mom was threatening to leave, and things were pretty much going to Hell in a handbasket at the time. I was hoping to leave for Australia in a few weeks' time, and decided that I wanted to at least finish my room before I left - so I'd have something good to come home to (we're trying to get the house finished, see - mom's always resented the house being unfinished). I figured that it would also teach me about what it cost to undertake such a project, and teach me how to do it for when I bought a house of my own. Rollers, paint, primer, spackle, tray - I paid for all. I got new curtains which match the colours - bright cheery orange and terra cotta. But it's not finished. And my family is very bad at finishing what we start. Mom lived in an unfinished house during her childhood - part of the reason she hates being here. So, though I want to leave home soon, I want this room finished. I wanna break the cycle of unfulfilled promises and finish what I set out to do. So I know I can do it.

returning to the trail

Greetings again,

for those of you who followed my Livejournal on my trip to India, welcome once again. I decided to start this journal separate from the dreamtime_raven account, as it was a loop in my jorney of life, as opposed to the main path. This journal will follow the main path of my life - thoughts, moods and muse, whatever moves me to post. I reserve this journal chiefly for myself - not that others do not matter (on the contrary, people, especially my friends, mean an awful lot to me), but I want to keep a space for myself that I can share with others. If you really wish to post, you may, but the primary function of this journal is to have a place to share myself with those who care to inquire into my life, but are separated by distance.