it... it won't come off....

Shame.

My life is full of it. With it comes a whole host of other nasty emotions and responses: guilt, fear, embarrassment, regret, sorrow.

Ever gotten around to doing something only to realize that it's a little too late? And that it was key?

I was urged by my professor to apply to be a member of a peer-reviewed group this winter. I kept forgetting about it/putting it off. I finally got around to doing it this spring. Part of the reason he urged me to do so was so that I could apply for more funding from the group.

So I went on their website, after I got confirmation that my membership was accepted... only to find that the deadline for fellowships and grants was February. And are awarded in April.

By the time April next year rolls around, I will have likely already turned in my first draft for my thesis for review by the profs.

I am so ashamed I put this off, I could throw up. I failed. Big time. And I will definitely need money to finish this project - and I need to send in samples ASAP. What am I to do? I am such a wretch...

And the shame I feel joins into all the other shameful experiences I've had during my life... and I wonder if I'll ever succeed at being something other than an eternal disappointment. I wonder if my parents will ever see my achievements as anything more than mundane (people keep saying that I am extraordinary - my parents refer to me as "average"). Am I capable of doing anything to anybody's satisfaction?

The Endless Treadmill

I feel right now as though I am on a treadmill. It has been speeding up since I got on last September. It is still speeding up. I am not sure I can keep up with the pace.

I have made some mistakes already. not major ones. Mostly it's time-based - I've wasted time. I am already working 6 days a week. I want to see people, but I have too much to do. I cannot get away this week, as I had hoped to previously. I am scared to death that I will be a disappointment to my prof, and that he will send me a letter expressing his disappointment, as he did with his other female student. I have been placed in the difficult position of actually getting the project I want, which means that there is a disgruntled prof in my department who will be looking for chinks in my work or anywhere else. I am stressed, and getting sick on account of it.

This isn't fun.

I don't want to do this. Not even for exorbitant amounts of money. I will finish this project, because I promised to - and go do something else. I am tired of being pitted against the world. I am tired of competing, tired of having allies instead of friends, tired of being on my guard all the time. I may be bright and intellectually "capable" of doing this thing. But at this point in time, my heart is not. Perhaps I never will be capable, heart-wise; much damage was done in my childhood and adolescent years, some of which can never be fully healed in the time span of my life, much less the 14 months I have left here. I cannot believe myself capable of attracting a mate: most people seem terrified and overwhelmed by the damage they see in me. I wish there were somewhere I could go to rest... Perhaps next summer, I'll take a leave of absence. or maybe in January.

I need a break - or else this project is going to break me.