Grace, precious grace
I went to visit my friends in Montreal this past month for a day (I wish it could've been longer!). We used the Metro to get around the city (it runs on rubber tires! I'm so used to the ones that run on metal rail wheels, as they do in Toronto, London, etc.). One guy, when I walked up to pay the fare, waved me through! My friend commented on how that act had "made my day" - and in truth, it did. Her showing up to pick me up from the bus station was also a pleasant surprise.
You see - grace and mercy isn't prized in my family.
Pride and honour are greatly prized, as well as being right. One lesson you learn early in my family is to shut your mouth and nod your head in the presence of anyone older than you regardless of what is coming out of their mouths, no matter how ridiculous - they'll tear you to pieces if you dare to contradict. How dare you, you...child. You know nothing of life - I've lived longer than you! I recall my grandfather telling me after I'd done something wrong and apologized in tears, "Don't be sorry - just don't do it ever again".
In addition, as I am rather ridiculously talented and intelligent, people have tougher standards for me than if I was an average person - meaning that I have less room for error than others (yeah, scoff if you like - let's see you do what I'm expected to do). Kids have teased me all throughout school if I got questions wrong, or if I made mistakes.
The result is a type A Driven Perfectionist - heck, perfection is what people, ALL people, expect of me. It's a harsh, ruthless standard to live by and attempt to attain. I say attempt, because attempt is about all a person can do - I sure haven't managed to achieve it. And it taints every achievement I've ever made in my life - it's never done well enough, no matter how well it was done. A bit ridiculous you say? Absolutely. But people get angry and call me lazy if I don't throw myself against the wall in effort, so I keep smashing myself into it. It might kill me, but that's not such a bad option. Death is far more preferrable than the hellish treadmill that is Hopeless Perfectionism.
Moreover, attempting perfectionism means you hold everyone to the same ruthless standard - after all, that's Just and Fair, isn't it? People dislike me because I am hard. I dislike me because I am hard. But why are people surprised I am hard? People didn't want me to be soft. They made fun of me when I hurt and when I screwed up. They punished me for my humanity/frailty and rewarded me when I acted super-human. So I act super-human. and because I am expected to be super-human, you should be too.
Which brings me back to the guy at the turnstiles in the metro - he is one of the few people who was kind enough to cut me some slack (in this case, financially) even though I've done nothing for him. I have come not to expect kindness from others beyond what will not cost them anything. So it is a really pleasant treat when people go beyond my expectations of them.
I wish people were more gracious to me. I wish people would genuinely be gracious to me, in spite of all my shortcomings. Because of all my shortcomings. It's one of the things I struggle hardest with as a Christian - the concept of God's Grace. I - I just can't see Him being that way towards me. So few people are - Christian or no - so why would He be? I just can't imagine Him saying "Well done, good and faithful servant" - I've never managed to do anything well. Heck, knowing who I am, I'll be lucky to get into heaven period.
Oh, but I want to believe His Grace is true... Please let it be true. If it isn't, what is left in any dimension for me?
You see - grace and mercy isn't prized in my family.
Pride and honour are greatly prized, as well as being right. One lesson you learn early in my family is to shut your mouth and nod your head in the presence of anyone older than you regardless of what is coming out of their mouths, no matter how ridiculous - they'll tear you to pieces if you dare to contradict. How dare you, you...child. You know nothing of life - I've lived longer than you! I recall my grandfather telling me after I'd done something wrong and apologized in tears, "Don't be sorry - just don't do it ever again".
In addition, as I am rather ridiculously talented and intelligent, people have tougher standards for me than if I was an average person - meaning that I have less room for error than others (yeah, scoff if you like - let's see you do what I'm expected to do). Kids have teased me all throughout school if I got questions wrong, or if I made mistakes.
The result is a type A Driven Perfectionist - heck, perfection is what people, ALL people, expect of me. It's a harsh, ruthless standard to live by and attempt to attain. I say attempt, because attempt is about all a person can do - I sure haven't managed to achieve it. And it taints every achievement I've ever made in my life - it's never done well enough, no matter how well it was done. A bit ridiculous you say? Absolutely. But people get angry and call me lazy if I don't throw myself against the wall in effort, so I keep smashing myself into it. It might kill me, but that's not such a bad option. Death is far more preferrable than the hellish treadmill that is Hopeless Perfectionism.
Moreover, attempting perfectionism means you hold everyone to the same ruthless standard - after all, that's Just and Fair, isn't it? People dislike me because I am hard. I dislike me because I am hard. But why are people surprised I am hard? People didn't want me to be soft. They made fun of me when I hurt and when I screwed up. They punished me for my humanity/frailty and rewarded me when I acted super-human. So I act super-human. and because I am expected to be super-human, you should be too.
Which brings me back to the guy at the turnstiles in the metro - he is one of the few people who was kind enough to cut me some slack (in this case, financially) even though I've done nothing for him. I have come not to expect kindness from others beyond what will not cost them anything. So it is a really pleasant treat when people go beyond my expectations of them.
I wish people were more gracious to me. I wish people would genuinely be gracious to me, in spite of all my shortcomings. Because of all my shortcomings. It's one of the things I struggle hardest with as a Christian - the concept of God's Grace. I - I just can't see Him being that way towards me. So few people are - Christian or no - so why would He be? I just can't imagine Him saying "Well done, good and faithful servant" - I've never managed to do anything well. Heck, knowing who I am, I'll be lucky to get into heaven period.
Oh, but I want to believe His Grace is true... Please let it be true. If it isn't, what is left in any dimension for me?
posted by NinjaRaven at 10:59 AM
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