The Endless Treadmill

I feel right now as though I am on a treadmill. It has been speeding up since I got on last September. It is still speeding up. I am not sure I can keep up with the pace.

I have made some mistakes already. not major ones. Mostly it's time-based - I've wasted time. I am already working 6 days a week. I want to see people, but I have too much to do. I cannot get away this week, as I had hoped to previously. I am scared to death that I will be a disappointment to my prof, and that he will send me a letter expressing his disappointment, as he did with his other female student. I have been placed in the difficult position of actually getting the project I want, which means that there is a disgruntled prof in my department who will be looking for chinks in my work or anywhere else. I am stressed, and getting sick on account of it.

This isn't fun.

I don't want to do this. Not even for exorbitant amounts of money. I will finish this project, because I promised to - and go do something else. I am tired of being pitted against the world. I am tired of competing, tired of having allies instead of friends, tired of being on my guard all the time. I may be bright and intellectually "capable" of doing this thing. But at this point in time, my heart is not. Perhaps I never will be capable, heart-wise; much damage was done in my childhood and adolescent years, some of which can never be fully healed in the time span of my life, much less the 14 months I have left here. I cannot believe myself capable of attracting a mate: most people seem terrified and overwhelmed by the damage they see in me. I wish there were somewhere I could go to rest... Perhaps next summer, I'll take a leave of absence. or maybe in January.

I need a break - or else this project is going to break me.