it... it won't come off....

Shame.

My life is full of it. With it comes a whole host of other nasty emotions and responses: guilt, fear, embarrassment, regret, sorrow.

Ever gotten around to doing something only to realize that it's a little too late? And that it was key?

I was urged by my professor to apply to be a member of a peer-reviewed group this winter. I kept forgetting about it/putting it off. I finally got around to doing it this spring. Part of the reason he urged me to do so was so that I could apply for more funding from the group.

So I went on their website, after I got confirmation that my membership was accepted... only to find that the deadline for fellowships and grants was February. And are awarded in April.

By the time April next year rolls around, I will have likely already turned in my first draft for my thesis for review by the profs.

I am so ashamed I put this off, I could throw up. I failed. Big time. And I will definitely need money to finish this project - and I need to send in samples ASAP. What am I to do? I am such a wretch...

And the shame I feel joins into all the other shameful experiences I've had during my life... and I wonder if I'll ever succeed at being something other than an eternal disappointment. I wonder if my parents will ever see my achievements as anything more than mundane (people keep saying that I am extraordinary - my parents refer to me as "average"). Am I capable of doing anything to anybody's satisfaction?