Child's Drawings in the Trash.

Today, while I was waiting for the Purolator guy, I got back to doing something I haven't done in a while: drawing. I have finally started to draw a picutre of my avatar, the NinjaRaven. It's tuning out well - much how I envisioned it. So when my mom came over later on in the evening, and I proudly showed her my work so far.

"Shouln't you be working on packing and sorting your clothes for when you go away?" she replied.

My heart took its customary plunge inside. However, I wasn't shocked - just disappointed. And I realized something - this is how most of my achievements and talents have been received by my parents:

"What about your room? have you cleaned that up?"
"Oh, you only got an 82. what happened to the other 18%?"
"Can't you see I'm busy?! Not now!"

I grew up the eldest, and was told constantly that as the eldest, I was "the responsible one" - the one who would be reprimanded fiirst, the one expected to sacrifice first. In addition, nearly every time I tried to show what I could do was met with tepid disinterest to bitter disgust. If you'd asked me about myself, I would have told you that I was "nothing special" and "average", for that is what I am, as far as my family is concerned. It took people outside my family to tell me that I was talented. And yet, I have never been one of those "outstanding achievers" who not only got honours with distinction, but swept off with half the trophies for top marks in various disciplines.

In fact, I remember one time on a self- evaluation, I responded to the question "what can you do to improve in this course?" with "I don't think I can improve anymore." and the teacher's reply "there is always room for improvement!" made me so angry, and I didn't know why. Now I know - it was exactly the way things went at home.

Tonight, however, I got angry - though I didn't show my mom. Why is it that whenever I start to do something good, you cut me down, mom? why is prep for my job so important you cannot take 30 seconds out of life to marvel at your child's abilities, even if she is 23? Why is everything I accomplish, that is admired and amazes my friends, colleagues and peers, is such a bloody disappointment at home??
No wonder I fear to finish projects I start - I'm told "it's no good" but am not given a clue as how to improve it. and even when I think I've improved it, it's still no good. THIS is what is meant by "tying up heavy loads on men's backs, while not lifting a finger to help them". It's hopeless!!

My own personal Crodcodile

Ever read Peter Pan? I haven't seen the Disney Movie, but I own the book. You know how Captain Hook was stalked around by the Crocodile... tic...tic...tic....

Right now, I can hear my crocodile... I suppose the mantra emanating from its belly would be "fail...fail...fail..."

It's a mantra that is firmly driven into my head. It has pursdued me through the mouths of others throughout my life: enemies, schoolmates, friends, people at church, even my parents. You won't succeed. You can't make it on you own. But we expect you to try to make it, anyway.

And now, as I have attained employment I wanted - field experience in my field - the old croc is back.
It got me a little over a year ago....
As many of you know, I am still, despite excersize and activity, overwight. Obese, actually, in terms of weight alone (my body mass index says otherwise) but nonetheless, I don't look as I ought. However, throughout field schools, I could keep pace and was handy with map and compass, so it was no big deal.
Until someone at the GSC pointed it out to me. The GSC. Geological Survey of Canada. Who hold themselves to be a herald of Affirmative Action. Telling me I am unfit for the job. It... it stunned me. At the end of my University career I thought I had finally escaped the petty notions of judgement on first appearance, only to be broadsided by it by a government agency.

I stopped handing out resumes immediately.

My parents urged me to apply for jobs, but I couldn't bring myself to... my fragile confidence had been shattered once again.

So, I am nervous... I have been accepted by telephone interview for this job. What will they say when they see me? So many times people just slough me off when they meet me, and I have to fight to earn their grudging respect. how much longer do I have to go on fighting? Will I have to fight? Will the guys deride me, as usual? and then I have to spend three months with these people up in the middle of nowhere. and then I have to see about a full time job for the fall (hopefully as a Lab technician), and I was thinking about going to Australia. and I have to finish cleaning my room. And get my Pleasure craft licence. And first Aid certification. And pack. And I'm typing this at 2 am because I can't sleep. IK guess I'd better try - Did I mention I'm working part time right now for a week?