Revelations on Criticism

I've been thinking through some things the past few days. I do tend to think, on occasion.

I've been thinking about how controlling my parents have been, and still try to be sometimes. They still try to take things away from me. They do so from my brothers (mind you, my brothers seem content to let this happen - fight it, boys! slavery's not worth it). Many times they've been frightened - as if my having a problem/conflict with someone reflects poorly on them. And I realized, that's probably it - they've tied their identity into their kids. Entirely into their kids. So they perceive any threat to my or my brothers' identity or reputation as a threat to theirs, regardless how ridiculous it may seem to an outsider. Welcome to enmeshment.

I think often they meant well, but their fear kept them from doing what was truly best for each of us. And I don't think it that they succeeded in keeping their reputation intact, nor did they demonstrate their success as parents by preventing their kids from failing. In fact, learning to fail and be okay with it was the best thing university taught me. Thank you, Relativity and Quantum Mechanics midterm. Failing a task does not make you an ultimate failure. Much less does your kids failing a task make you a failure.

It bothers me that my parents have tied their identity into me and my achievements. It puts a lot of stress on me to not fail. Notice I said, "not fail", not "succeed" - success is ultimately impossible when there are more than one of you with different ideas how to complete a task. I really wish they would not tie their identity to me so deeply.

So, fast forward. this morning I got back what I handed my supervisor as far as what I had written at the end of June.

....
Ohhh, man. the thing is COVERED in pencil markings.

I hate criticism. Like so many others, I have had to deal with a lot of it over my brief lifetime. But why do I hate it so much? I'll admit, I avoid handing in more copies of a paper than absolutely necessary to meet requirements. I will actually go out of my way to avoid it. Why is that?

Crap! I've tied my identity up to my thesis. Entirely. Just like my parents have done to me. This is why I feel I was "pitied" into passing my Honours thesis - I assumed that my supervisor, like my parents, had tied his identity to my thesis. It didn't matter whether I actually did good work or not - I was not going to be permitted to fail on account of his reputation.

Perhaps my thesis, like art, is more like me than I am like my parents. It is, after all, a direct derivative of who I am -my ideas and thoughts. But it isn't me. Moreover, my supervisor is not like my mother or father (he actually seems pretty mentally healthy for a guy in Academia - a good solid bloke. May there be more bosses/peers like him!) - he hasn't tied my identity to me. He wants me to succeed. And he's willing to take the risk of a possible fail because he sees in me the talent for success - the odds, as it were, are stacked in his favour and against failure. He wants me to succeed, not just have me "not fail". But it's going to take some serious re-writes to get my thesis to that point. The comments and suggestions he (and other professors) make are for my benefit (well, most of them will be - stupid politics...) - they're made to make my thesis even better. Yeah, it'll hurt to read, but if I follow their instructions, it'll be even better. And I own the choice of whether or not I follow those directions.

These thoughts are encouraging - they mean some people will allow me to succeed on my own merits, and that because I failed once at something doesn't mean I can never succeed at it again (I did pass Relativity and Quantum, after all).

...
but I still don't want to read those comments. Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!